Dear reader, let me first begin this blog with one definite statement: I am not a Lolita. "But Leda, if you are not a Lolita," you ask, "then why the heck is the title of your blog 'Lead Sugar Lolita?'"
...and that would be a very fair and important question to ask. So please allow me to add a clarification to my statement before answering that question; I am not a Lolita... yet.
so if I am NOT a Lolita and my blog is definitely Lolita-centric who the heck am I and what am I doing/playing at?
What I am is a new mother. Allow me to explain.
I am 21. I am a female, Caucasian lower-middle-class American citizen with three wonderful step-daughters, a exceptionally accepting husband, and a six-week-old baby daughter. I am a poet, visual artist, occasional musician, and avid video-game player. I'm a collector and a dabbler and a pretty good cook. I am a bisexual, polyamorous fetishist with my head screwed on wrong. I am many other things besides.
But even with all these labels, I've recently started to feel that there is something lacking in my life. And what that was, I couldn't be sure. I had gotten my first real look at Lolita Fashion just a few weeks ago when I was trawling the internet for entertainment. Maybe it was the stress from dealing with the new baby, or internal pressures and a fear of aging. Maybe it was my long-term deep-seated insecurity regarding my personal appearance, or just a strong need for some change in my life. Maybe it was none of these things; maybe all. But whatever the reason, those first pictures of real Lolitas (i.e. not costume-wearing, cosplaying 'itas', but real Lolitas with skill, grace, and passion) hit me like a frilled freight train. I began to feel something stirring inside myself and I realized that what was missing was my sense of femininity.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self-expression. I have allowed fear to creep into my life and settle there for years - fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of ___, you name it. Looking at my first street-shots of Lolitas worldwide made me realize that I was afraid of being feminine. Those big poofy dresses, bows, and frills legitimately intimidated me. And then I asked myself "Why? How is it that you have allowed yourself to sink so far as to be afraid of a dress?". But there it was. I was afraid of the dress. And I wanted it. and I was compelled.
For weeks I have been scouring the internet for all things Lolita: watching YouTube videos, poring over blogs and forum posts, stalking the EGL comm sales, perusing how-to's and tutorials, and trying to approach it like a science. I have been trying to define that magical moment when a Coord is finally just right, when the outfit becomes its own entity, when the wearer becomes transformed. And that's when I realized my mistake. Lolita is not a science. Lolita is Alchemy. It is the ancient struggle to turn the ordinary, the mundane, into something perfect and otherworldly. It is, in a word, Human.
I thought to myself, then, "Could I be that? Could I go out in public wearing such a thing? Is it right for me to do so?" And my husband said to me "Yes." Despite having no personal investment or real interest in fashion, (and even after seeing the price tags) he has encouraged me to try. Because he saw that, underneath my fears, it made me happy. And that was enough.
So the questions are these: can a 21 year old mother of four be a Lolita? Can she do so successfully? Can she do so, if not cheaply, then frugally and efficiently? Can she finally tame and put to use the wild sewing machine that has menaced her for years? We're about to find out.
This is my journey of self-discovery. This is my period of growth. I need this, and I beg your indulgence. Whether I succeed in my goal of personal transformation or fail miserably, it will be here for the world to see. You, dear reader, will be privy to my innermost thoughts, my fears and dreams. You will be the audience to this most personal dark comedy as I attempt to answer these questions and the ever-unanswered 'what exactly is it that makes me happy?' At the risk of sounding like an angsty teen, I still don't know. So please, tread softly.
- Leda
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